Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
