I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
