one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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