Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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