someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
