he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
