I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
