Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
