So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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