I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
