I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
i now understand why vodka
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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