Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I believe in your delicious
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
