Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize