HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I have tasted many bathrooms
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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