I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize