Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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