I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
