Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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