Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
