you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
