If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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