Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
