I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Randomize
