break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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