Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
