Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
