2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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