well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
