I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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