P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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