I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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