Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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