mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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