Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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