And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
