I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
