Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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