we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
