Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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