i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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