You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
