I think I just saw someone hide a body.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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