I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
