I wish you could order shots online.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
