pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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