My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Randomize
