FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
