Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
