she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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