I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
