My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
