hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize