I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
