The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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