I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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