i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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