atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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