she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize