No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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