someone threw a dead crab at me
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
