he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
