You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
