my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
