happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
