i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
