anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
