I think I won the penis lottery.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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