I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
